It Just Wont Go Away

Help me please.Enlighten me in what I should be doin with my life because I dont feel good in doing anything anymore.Things are just plain boring and lifeless.My love life is currently fine.Cant complain.But I do have blackout instances where I would forget who he really is to me and as to why I'm there with him.6 months and counting.Yet of course not a boring moment but somehow now,I feel,it just doesnt feel right.Somethings missings from before.From me getting to know the real him.Perhaps its just me being a pessimist.He does adore me.Holly Shit.I'm honestly dead tired from last night's tossing & turning.Its just horrible.I couldnt sleep well and felt like somethings bothering me,I have no idea what.But I dreamt of something reall weird.Super weird to the core.

I Cant Believe I'm Tired.Of Everything.

No wait I can.Yes I can believe I'm getting tired.So tired.I needed a break,to run away to the ocean,look at the stars when I sleep at night and enjoy the cooling breeze of the winter morning in...Australia?Haa..I have to do this.I do.For my sanity.Where shall I go?

Exhausted Heels

Getting exhausted.Putting on make up,smiling,breaking the ice & trying to make small talk.It just gets draining.The whole process is draining me out every single day because it doesnt make any difference.It really doesnt.And of course on top of that I can feel myself switching souls with my boyfie;I'm more short-fused now.Its just darn crazy.I'm tired of this.At times I wanted to pull the plug on everything;everything I've stood for and worked for because I don't feel anything anymore.I cannot find who I am anymore,I would love to pick up my camera again,I would love to draw & paint & renew my vows for art & definitely just ease my mind.Retail has driven me to be a monster.Truly.

Wrk Is Pressure Under No Bliss.

I guess on some days you call it the drought season but am getting desperate.What god gives,he can take it back.Its always a challenge.Because life can never be a constant smile and roses but with thorns and frowns.I feel so down.Down in the dumbs for all the times I ever tried,it was just never really a fruitful encounter.I sell nothing,for the past 5 days.Nothing at all.

To Know What U Love & Live 2 Fight For.

Lets make things clear.We all live once and once only.Lets make every cents worth of it and not live day by day being boring.I learn that now.I wish to do so many things but there's just so little time that you get.Its true what they say,Live everyday like its your last.Then I wouldn't want ro be in the boutique.I wanna live outside and meet new people.I wanna try new things an most definitely create a better world for myself and for my beloved.

The World Is Full Of Pretenders & Fake Preachers

I couldn't help but feel unwanted,yes.But the fact that I feel fake among the rest is just beyond my reasons of rationality.I have no idea how ro react anymore when I feel I don't give a damn about anything or anyone.Why?Because they don't give a damn about me right?Because I don't need to waste my emotional efforts on people who don't like me in the 1st place.My 1st birthday celebration at Dior & its just mind-blowing.Truly.No,I was being sarcastic.Each day now,I wake up in the morning and put on my make up,my fake eyelash,I know that I look good but I also know that I only do so for the job.Because my main motive is to sell.To achieve my target each day just to survive the month.I feel its just torturing my soul.My mind can't make up the words and my heart can no longer feel the pain;for deciding what to do for myself is never a question I look forward to because it depends on my mood.I need to look bacl for the love.The love I once had for fashion,for singing,dancing;the simple joys of life which I neglected with the responsibility of finding more money to cover what I had lost.There simply is,and will never be,a time whereby,I get to sit down properly and feel the urge,the passion in myself to fight again.Fight for the love of being alive and doing the things you love.

Making Love To Hate Part II

Currently I'm feeling a little negative.Feeling a little unloved and depressed at the fact that I did not get a birthday party,still,like others.They simply just cut the cake in the pantry and left.Makes me wonder what am I doing wrong or what I've done.I can't help but to think negatively about my colleagues now or perhaps that I think way too much?I rationalize that they think since I have a wonderful boyfie who celebrated it with me,they don't need to throw such a huge effort.I feel a little pinch.Nope.I feel the pinch rubbed with salt.I feel that also,the management is taking advantage of my silence.I no longer believe in them anymore & I don't have an ounce of empathy towards them.Honestly,to some it all off,I am just no longer "Dior" anymore.

Making Love 2 Hate

For a fact now,its a little smooth in my relationship.But I can't deny there's a few kinks here & there.I don't find it much of a concern now because I just feel lost at what I'm going to do & achieve in life.Its just dragging me down the idea of feeling incompetent at what I'm doing,and not knowing the labels.Either I'm too ignorant or I choose to have my own mind where I don't take references from anyone.To be in the dark so whatever ideas that you have,you know that you're subconsciously not inspired by anyone.I cave in.I know my personal self is not strong enough right now and I need to be better;for myself 1st and not anyone.

May I Hf Peace & Tranquility

I don't know where we will go from here or how we far we can go,but all I know is I'm getting this all too familiar feeling.I do Love him but its just that he's wearing me out.My patience is wearing thin & I'm getting abit more sensitive to his jokes.I've always known he likes to tease but at this point I just got sick & tired.Really.Its frankly getting on my nerves.Either he change or I give up.

Confused Feeling Again

Sumhow I Felt things have turn out into a mistake.I duno wat to feel anymore bcoz e man dt I liked didnt turn out e way dt i tot he wuld.My emotion nw?carefree.I nid to be carefree.

Finally,My Dreams Came Thru

I think we all need a little patience and perseverance.I felt utterly blessed and till this day its unbelivable that you know,I broke off a 5 year relationship just like that and found a person who I'm fond of and adore.On top of that he's so good looking.So,so to-die for.Yummy.But I'm just pressured by the fact that we're not enough.Evry man needs his way of giving,but it involves you giving as well.

What Do I Do?Otokajo?

We are talking again.I dont understand what I'm gonna do or what is to be done but I'm just sure that I wanna find out.I'm pretty sure he wont jump into things so soon now but I guess I'm just gonna say that I like you and I dont know whether you feel the same but just being cautious but I felt something in your eye that day when you were feeling down and I made you laugh with a cruel joke.I felt that spark and twinkle in your eye.I guess it might just be me,but soon,I just need to know,even if silently.

Making Things Ryte Aint Easy;If Dey Were Nvr Wrong 2 Begin Wiv.

You know,I think I Found back my love for him.

I Tink I'm Really Nt His Type

I have no doubt now.I'm In a state of confusion.Numb confusion.

Dance In A Trance

Getting up early in the morning is a hassle.It hurts your eyes,your body and your mind,physically and mentally.Waking up not knowing what you're doing and what you're gonna do in future is even worse.Nothing to look forward to;love lost and fighting for something which you wouldn't know you'd gain.Thinking about HIM everyday when you know you're not suppose to.Finding a purpose to hate him but you just can't.Den waking up beside a man,metaphorically,who is suddenly a complete stranger to you after being in a relationship for 5 years.I cant answer how important to him anymore.I just cant.Its confusing me and making me numb.Numb with questions to answers that I cant find.I just need to be alone.Swirling in my own vortex of nothingness.I've also hated what I've become.Whiny.I've become whiny.Its just all painfully clumping together.I did not respect him or his privacy.I need to achieve something bigger in my life.Dun wanna wake up like this anymore.

I Kip Tinking Bout U

i saw u in a different light today. you were so full of raw emotions. i am taken aback. its abit disturbing. i'm not sure whether its e best thing 2 do to even travel wiv u. i am not so sure about anytin anymore. it jus confuses me even more. you are my fren n u say such things. hw culd u. u r all messed up and confused. you make feel like a total utter slut wen infact e situation varies immensely. i feel you nid to regain back evrytin. how can u be so low in self esteem wen evry guy on earth tinks u're hot? i am jus nothing compared 2 you yet u are acting dis way. i'm deeply sad. deeply. i feel happy evrytime i luk back at that night wher we took our 1st picture 2ghthr. it feels so right. i'm sorry but for the 1st time i didnt care wat others mite tink. i jus wanted u to b happy. i wuld trade places wiv u even so u can be happy again. i duno wat else 2 do. i'm so lost and even more confused. i can't find clarity anymore. i jus can't.

Each Time.

why bitch?bitch why?each time i pulled myself away and manage 2, u cum into my life and start putting tots into my head. i noe its not real. it will never be. u're jus being nice.

I Wish I Culd Change Things. Words Jus Cant B @ Dis Point

i wanted to do so much. but if u wan to do so much at one time it will end up in nothin. i guess now i'm disgruntled. a disgruntled employee hu is forced to change again. i'm feeling lyk dis is bullshit evryday n i noe i kept whining but i jus cant help it bcoz i feel god damn hurt at e decision. i wish tings wuld change bck to its normal self.

I Jus Wana Lash

I've always thought that I culd survive this fall, but turns out you hit rocks on the way down. By the time you hit rock bottom, you have enough cuts and bruises to feel the full impact of your fall. I am clueless to what I'm doing now. I am contented. I am happy. But wats happiness? How long can one sustain dis happiness till it fades away as soon as it came. I had evrytin. I'm close to having nothing. I made mistakes that is hard to repair and in life, you only make one mistake and the block comes tumbling down; like a game of jenga. I'm tired. I'm quite frankly not in the mood for work anymore. I jus wana take a long vaca. I have so many urges to quit. Quitting seems the easiest thing to do but the hardest thing to accomplish. Verbalizing seems to be th easiest thing to do but again the hardest to string your words. I like you. Alot. I've bin trying to avoid you since I noe ur feelings for me were never dere and aint never gona be dere. I jus dun wana get caught and fall deeper. I noe how lethal the potential of my raging emotions can be. I jus dun wana emerse myself in repercussions that I've caused on an instant bad moment. I didnt confess and I didnt make it known. Once i tot i culd trust all of you but each day my trust is dying inside. I'm never gona love you guys ever again.